No little girl ever dreams of becoming a stepmother. Stepmotherhood is not on anyone's lifetime goal list. Yet more girls than you realize end up as stepmothers. And the numbers are increasing. Whether you grew up with stepsiblings, or you are the parent of stepchildren now, you know there are many misconceptions and myths about blended families. The job has both rewards and challenges just like parenting any child.
Myth: Step-parents love their step children just like they are their own children.
Reality: Your step child is not your natural child. You will grow to love that child, but you will never feel the same about your step child as you do your birth child. Your children need to know this. Children in blended families need to be told that their own birth parents still love them as much or more as the day they were born.
A recently re-married couple moved to another city with their three children. The wife's younger daughter was extremely jealous of her new step-brother. He was younger and the first boy sibling in her family. For her mother, the newly re-married wife, the boy was young and cute and the first boy child she'd ever had. She began to attend his soccer games and made that a priority for her Saturday morning.
The younger daughter began to act out and her mother quickly learned that her daughter needed to be reassured of her devotion to her. She began to plan special outings for the two of them on Saturday mornings and didn't attend all of the step-son's soccer games.
The daughter needed to know that a new stepfather and stepbrother did not decrease those feelings of love her mother had for her. But as a parent, you do find love in your heart for your stepchildren also. It's just not the same as your natural-born child, which leads to our next myth.
Myth: Once blended and living together, you will all be one big happy family.
Reality: Well, the reality is not what you'd expect – you are one big happy family, but it's not the same as a family with two natural parents. "Because you aren't the 'real' parent of your stepchildren, there are boundaries you can't cross," said Mary, step mother of two girls and mother of two boys. "If they were yours, you'd relate to them differently."
You actually are one very big happy family because you also have two completely other sets of parents (your ex-spouses) and possibly half siblings and other step siblings and the list of extended family goes on and on. 'When you have children with someone, you are mated for life – your children's life, that is," said Mary. All these parents and siblings make up the real blended family.
Schedules and activities often have to be coordinated with the other parents. You are all inter-related, whether you like it or not, said Mary and her husband Dan. But the experience of having the "extra" parents will give your children a richer and fuller life. There's no question about that.
Myth: Your partner is the love of your life and, because he is so special, will have similar parenting styles as you do.
Reality: Yes, your partner is the love of your life. You have found your soul mate. That is not a myth. But just because you love him or her enough to share your lives and your children, that doesn't mean you will have the same parenting philosophy.
You come from very different families of origin and you both bring different parenting styles and skills to the newly blended family. You also had your children with a different spouse and that also adds to the differences in parenting issues. You have to accept that while you deeply love your new spouse, he or she will have different reactions to kid-related issues.
"Your spouse won't respond to their children the same way you would," said Dan. "Also you can punish your own children, but a step parent can't cross that line." You have to accept those differences in each other and face the challenges together.
Myth: If you just focus on the children, everything else will be fine.
Reality: You must make your relationship with your spouse your top priority. Your marriage must be rock solid to deal with the extra parenting challenges of a blended family. You must take advantage of ex-partners and schedule time alone when the children are with their "other family." You should schedule regular date nights and make it a point to talk about something other than the children and their activities and their logistics.
One newly blended couple – Mark and Alicia – have a regular weeknight date night when their youngest child is at his mother's house. Every week, without fail, they stick to their Thursday date night. They are able to focus on their love for each other before the busy weekend starts. They also try to take a night alone – either at home or away – at least once every two months. That gives Mark and Alicia time to reconnect as a couple.
It's mandatory in blended families that the married couple present a united front. They have to be strong together and back each other up with fail, experts agree.
Myth: The children in blended families are different from the children in regular blended families.
Reality: Combing children from two different marriages is never easy, but the resulting issues mirror many of the same problems and rewards that other parents experience in raising nuclear families.
Is your teenager "hiding out" in her room most evenings? This is also happening in families that are not blended. It's not because she lives with a stepparent, it's because she is a teenager and beginning to have a life separate from her family. Does your 10-year-old son need a forklift to pull him away from The Simpson's on TV? That is also the case in families with both parents intact.
Remember that while the frustrations of parenting are the same in a blended family, the joys are also similar. You still get to experience your child's big smiles and successes just as you always have. But you have the added bonus of enjoying those happy moments with the one you love– your new spouse. "The good times definitely outweigh the bad," said May. And that's why you remarried – so you could share in the good times as well as the bad. The joys of raising a blended family together will make this marriage even stronger.
Step-parenthood and living in a blended family may not be what you expected to happen in your life, but you can create a very happy ending.
Harriet Riley - Harriet Riley is a free-lance writer focusing on non-fiction articles and grant writing. She is currently a writer-in-residence in inner ...
Join the Conversation